Lost and Found

I’m wrapped in a blanket, curled up in a fetal position, knees hugged to my chest. I’m no longer crying; I am lifeless and despondent. I feel far away.

The therapist is asking me something.

“Are you okay?”

Usually I say yes, even when it’s not true. This time I can’t say yes. I know that I’m far from being okay.

“No,” I say.

“You’re a survivor. When you walk out of here today, walk out whole.”

I simply nod in response. Am I a survivor? Is it possible for me to ever feel whole again?

I have moments when I wonder what is real about me and the life I’ve lived. What if I really am too sensitive? If I were stronger, would my story be less dramatic?

I didn’t look tattered or torn. In fact, I appeared just the opposite. Yet the crudely stitched-together mess that I was would never mend unless I exposed my brokenness to light and air. I had to face my truths, accept them, and become willing to offer forgiveness to myself and others. At the beginning of my story, I didn’t feel as though I had any safe places. Not one.

Through the heartache of searching out the dark places in my life, I discovered incredible beauty—soft, warm, loving hearts helped heal my damaged one. Truth, love, and grace provided the safe haven for which I was searching.